Turn back Jesus Christ’s boat
In a shock poll result 83% of Australian Christians have agreed that it would be appropriate to turn Jesus Christ’s boat back to where it came from.
Tony Abbott, spokesperson for the Church of Hater Day Sinners, was outraged that the figure wasn’t 100%.
‘These illegal immigrants just have to learn that they can’t waltz in here and get a free ride on our special brand of cruel and unnecessary poverty,’ he said.
Mr Abbot expressed hope that that when Jesus was sent to Nauru he could learn some English. ‘Aramaic? I mean who speaks Aramaic?’ Mr Abbott asked. “This is Australia. We speak English here,’ Mr Abbott added.
‘But really,’ Mr Abbot said, ’the solution is to tow the boats back to where they came from.’
‘Jesus would enjoy his time back in Palestine. Who knows, with his skills, he might even get a job there and move away from the bludging lifestyle living off others that he currently has’ Mr Abbott mused. ‘If the Israelis let him back into his country,’ he added.
‘We don’t want Jesus taking good Aussie jobs away from Clive or Gina, do we?” he asked.
‘He just needs to go to the back of the queue and line up like the good Englishmen he should aspire to be,’ Mr Abbot said.
‘The queue is somewhere over there’, he said, waving his hand airily in the direction of north. ‘And with the no advantage test in place, Jesus won’t be able to get out of Nauru until the Palestinians can return to their homelands,’ Mr Abbott said. ‘That should give him a lifetime for contemplation,’ he added .
The abolition of family reunions for the likes of Jesus means that his mother and father won’t be able to come to Australia.
The Prime Minister, Julia Gill Howard, agreed with Mr Abbott.
‘This gives us the opportunity to show we are committed to border protection and stopping the boats,’ Ms Gill Howard said.
‘I am pleased to see Tony and I are as one on this,’ she said.